Are You Overcompensating for Shortcomings?

No offense intended, but a study suggests that sports car owners are.

THE DETROIT BUREAU.COM | Jan. 12, 2023

Every motorhead loves his stick shift. 

So it’s with tongue firmly planted in cheek — as opposed to elsewhere — that we dutifully report the results of an alleged University College London study, one that reaffirms what many of us have long suspected: sports car owners are more likely to have, um, shortcomings, despite the fact they love to “pat the Robertson.”

In short, they compensate for their mini monkey by buying sports cars — particularly if they’re older.

To prove this point, those who ran the study played with men’s, um, perceptions of their own trouser snake in comparison to others. After all, everyone believes they have an artful todger. 

For the study, men were misled, being told that the average penis size was larger than it actually is, thinking that, on average, these males would believe their own penis to be smaller compared to those who were told the average penis size was smaller than the true average. Then, the subjects were given a scale to indicate how much they valued owning certain products, including a sports car. Men in general — those older than 30 in particular — rated the vehicles as more appealing when they were led to believe they had a pint-size penis.

Not surprisingly, the survey also found that 30% of sports car owners claimed to have a larger than average penis size; their female partners estimated that only 12% did. 

Male cockiness? Duh. 

But the study suggests that women do like a man with an expensive car.

Even those who didn’t own a sports car gave an oversized assessment of their man handle than their partners did. Still, 18% of sports car owners exaggerated the enormity of their chicken, while only 3% of those without a sports car did.

“There are limits to how informative this survey information can be, of course, since it is only self-reported information. An objective study of penis size and sports car ownership would also be limited, as since even if it found a relationship, it could not provide any direct causal evidence,” the report states.

“In this experiment, however, we were able to find a psychological link between fast cars and small penises. We showed that subjective, perceived relative penis size has a causal effect on male appreciation for fast cars.”

Wow. A university paid to find that out? Well, yeah. For the study, the university recruited 200 Englishmen. between the ages of 18 and 74, with the average age being 28.4 years and asked a few questions, taking 8 minutes of their time.

And the study did come — to some conclusions, that is. 

First, there is a connection between having high self-esteem and buying expensive things. When one’s self-worth is low, people purchase luxury items. This might explain the Kardashians, but maybe not. 

“When asked to imagine owning a BMW, compared to a Kia,” the study states, “they felt better about themselves after being told they were bad at doing Suduko puzzles. … Buying luxury products is a way to elevate one’s social standing, and so increase self-esteem.” 

Ok, this clarifies why Elon Musk bought Twitter — maybe, just maybe, he has a wee willy.

Size matters, as does what you drive, according to the study.

Secondly, the study states that buying a sports car is part of a male mating strategy, one not unlike that of a peacock. In 1871, Charles Darwin stated that the male peacock has a large array of colorful feathers that don’t help him survive, but are merely a display to entice a partner.

“A peacock can invest the biological recourses into growing his tail feathers, and invest the time to show it off, is an indirect signal of health, and therefore, reproductive value,” the study states. 

Buying a sports car is the equivalent, a display of conspicuous consumption, the study says, has “no practical purpose.”

We, of course, would beg to differ — and so does the study, which goes on to repudiate this point.

“Males were described as having just bought either a Porsche Boxster or a Honda Civic. Those with a Porsche were valued as more attractive (to women) than those shown with the sensible Honda.”

That’s why, according to the study, those men endowed with a tiny tool feel they are less attractive to women and compensate by purchasing a Porsche or some other fast sports car. Since the survey was done “across the pond,” monster trucks were not included as part of the survey.

But you knew this, right? We won’t ask how.